A Wacky TSS Adventure
by I'm Not Wearing Any Pants
Summary: Based off an excitingly incomprehensible roleplay between some narcissist weeaboo Suethors who claimed their OOC ravings were the actual canon and everyone else in the fandom was a bad writer who adored Mary Sues with OOC plot. Otherwise known as bitterly envious psychological projection.


I don't own anything from The Secret Saturdays, nor do I claim. I found this in my old early TSS "horror" parody writings of 2014 and decided it was goofy enough to throw up with the rest of my parody fodder. There's some misspellings left in along with sentences lifted from the originals here and there for maximum nonsense value. You probably won't understand or care anything that's going on unless you were in this fandom from the years 2009-2011 or so. I forget which. Loads of in-jokes.

* * *

A WACKY TSS ADVENTURE

Vincent Vladislav Argost wandered aimlessly in his dungeon while filming an episode of Weird World, decked out in his highly fetishistic imitation Nazi uniform from Once More The Nightmare Factory. Each article of clothing he's wearing doesn't need to be explained piece by piece each unless its relevant to the story or you wish to insult the audience's intelligence. Insulting audience intelligence does seem to be the ongoing theme.

"Greetings and beinvenue, children. I am your fantastically OOC host, V.V. Argost. I'm going to inform you of each and every action I perform instead of showing it, thereby making my normally entertaining program quite tedious. I hope you don't mind," he said, moving over to one of the caged beasts. "Allow me to show you one of my precious little pets. It is known as an Amarok. You might remember it from The Ice Caverns of Ellef Ringnes and Cryptid vs. Cryptid. Ferocious looking creatures, aren't they. Such powerful jaws and dagger-like teeth. You certainly don't want to be around one when it's hungry. Would you like to see me feed it?"

(In the Saturday HQ)

Drew set the table for dinner. She'd whipped up a beautiful pork roast, grilled chickpea polenta cakes, with a watercress and orange salad. "Okay, boys, time to eat!"

She waited for several minutes, wondering where everyone in the family went. It was unusually quiet. Because the rest of the cast did not exist in this world. They were erased for the sake of the plot due to a thankful lack of bad roleplayers, all of whom only want the most popular characters. Meaning only the ones they personally want their author insert disguised as a canon character...because actual Mary Sues are, like, soooo dumb and beneath our collective genius, of course...to bang. Drew put a hand to her ear, hearing the familiar Weird World theme tune floating from Zak's room. The music abruptly lowered.

"And you'd better not be watching Weird World," she warned, knowing that Zak was.

"Be there in a minute, mom! And I'm not watching Argost's show, I swear!" He shut the TV off, after which he began violently punching the Delete button on the remote to remove any evidence of his blatant fibbery from the DVR.

Fiskerton produced a worrisome grumble from his secluded corner of the room.

"Come on, Fisk. You don't want mom to throw out all the TVs again, do you?"

Fiskerton was appalled by the idea. He shook his head frantically. "Uzzuh!" That roughly translated from ancient Lemurian to "No way!"

The pair went into the kitchen.

"Sorry about the noise, Mom. Fisk and I were playing a game of who can make the weirdest cryptid call." He bumped his elbow into Fisk's furry stomach. "Right, Fisk?"

Fiskerton shrugged, smiling as innocently as possible. He nodded.

(Back At Weird World)

Argost sank a grilling fork into a piece of raw steak on the tray his manservant Munya held. "And now we're going to replay a scene from Once More The Nightmare Factory, children. Do enjoy the memories." He pulled out the whip. "My little pets are still so excited to see visitors." He snapped the whip, causing the Amarok to snarl and withdraw from its position at the bars. "Eat up."

He flung the meat off the fork into the cage. The starved creature leaped upon it and began devouring it.

"The show doesn't consist of me constantly showing off my cryptid dungeon so much as touring the world for the strange and unusual, informing the naive audience of my exploits with cryptids and various strange phenomena, collecting artifacts that secretly could lead me to the one final episode where I find Kur and enact my intended plan of world domination. Oopsie! Let's edit that one out," Argost said as he passed a snarling Phantom cat. The imprisoned creature swiped its paw through the bars at him. "Oh, goodness! Temper, temper. I'd do something rash since I'm a terribly petty man, but I'm feeling so very cheery today." He chuckled.

(At Saturdays HQ)

Drew gave the boys a disbelieving eye with her stern yet motherly smile. "Yeah? And who won your little game?"

"Me," Zak and Fisk proudly responded at the same time. They exchanged glances. "You!" they said and pointed at each other. The boys shared an awkward pause before looking back at Drew. "Tie?"

"That's what I thought," Drew said, a creepy smile forming on her face. She hissed through clenched teeth, her voice taking a sudden dark intonation. "Boys, you know how I get around TV sets. Oh, how I despise them most viciously. I get in the zone. I can't help it. I have a problem!"

Zak and Fisk gulped.

Fiskerton waved his arms, blurting out the truth in a panic.

"Fisk!" Zak yelled. He placed a hand to the back of his youthful head. "Er, I mean, sorry, Mom. I know he's evil, but it's good TV. And if you think of it this way, it's a good method of keeping tabs on him?"

Drew continued to give them the psycho-stink eye.

Zak threw himself to the floor on his knees, cupping his hands pleadingly and shaking them. Fiskerton joined him. "Please don't throw the TV out the window! I need TV to live! It's my life! It's really the authors' lives. They've projected their own crippling addiction to it on me, like the accompanying addiction to junk foods and religiously motivated sexual guilt found in all these hundreds of fucked up stories, but we're not supposed to know that. I NEED IT! PLEASE! I LOVE THE ANIMAL PLANET AND MAURY POVICH!"

"Uweeez!" Fisk cried.

(At Weird World)

Argost fed the Phantom cat though letting it starve a bit longer would have soothed his indignant soul. He had an intrusive thought about a previous battle with Zak Saturday and his family in different episodes.

"Oh, goodness," he muttered, turning away from the camera. "How those Saturdays vex me by kicking and punching my delicate body, giving me such painful boo-boos." He turned around again to face another cryptid that wasn't in the show. "Greetings and beinvenue, Mr. Grinning man."

Argost tossed him a steak. Then he stared at him for such a length with his own eerie smile, it made the creature lose its grin and avert its eyes in sheer discomfort.

(At the Saturdays HQ)

"Well, at least someone's honest. Fine. I won't toss the TV out the window in a violent rage." She sat down. "Oh, our normal dinner switched to subpar American fast food Chinese take out again. Sorry!"

"Yeah, it does that a lot," Zak said, staring at the generic white containers. He looked at Fiskerton. Fiskerton shrugged. "Kinda strange."

"Guess the writers forgot each of us have nights to cook and don't always order out like that one time Doc did because he was tired and injured. Weird since they're the world's biggest Saturdays fans. You'd think they'd remember certain details about the show. Not even minor ones from single episodes, but entire characters' personalities and behaviors. It's like all they remember are characters names and brief rundowns of what happened on certain episodes, but nothing else. Take me, for example," Drew said with an eerie Stepford smile. She certainly seemed a bit off today. Quite so. "Speaking of Doc, where is he? He loves Chinese." She didn't really care about her husband's whereabouts for whatever reason. She concentrated on the Chinese, licking her lips.

"Doesn't everyone love Chinese?" Zak wondered aloud, wearing a strange smirk, his eyes going slightly crossed. He shook his head. "Huh?"

"Anyone who doesn't like Chinese is insane," Drew said. She opened one of the steaming containers. "A sin against nature. Everyone loves American style Chinese food. Chinese foooooood." She held up the box akin to some sacred offering to the Gods.

Fiskerton just wanted some fish. He couldn't fight his animal instincts. He was part cat.

Kitties.

(At Weird World)

"Munya," Argost called, having noticed Munya left his range of vision for all of two seconds. "Oh Munya, my pet! Not pet like my captured cryptids here as I said in the canon, but pet as in my cuddly-wuddly toy teddy bear ultra sensitive romantic seme lover that is the actual canon we adhere to most firmly. He's such a good boy. I shan't be able to live without him. If I killed him, it would be as if slicing off one of my very limbs. Ignore the fact that you can live without them, although your quality of life would be impacted, depending on your state of perception. Also ignore the fact that I've referenced the murder of my beloved lover whom I purportedly love with every fiber of my being and would never harm in any way according to rabid yaoi shipper lore, but for some reason I could envision killing him or abusing him when it suits the plot's titillation factor. Almost like these hypocritical imbeciles can't keep their contradictions straight from one hour to the next. Oops, that was supposed to stay an exposition line of thought! Silly me. I josh, of course. I do so love being mutilated into a vulgar, classless, inept shrieking-crying adult-baby underwear clad rapist moron in every single sordid tale of woe these people produce. It's canon!" He coughed into his hand.

It is canon. Jay Stephens said so, you guys. Shut up! You don't watch the show anyway or you'd know this by heart.

(At The Sats HQ)

"Oh, would you look at that. It seems Doc mysteriously vanished again!" She pressed a hand to her temple. "There seems to loom an overt racism against black characters in fandoms with huge populations of weeaboos who only enter in to ship themselves vicariously as self-inserted canon characters due to a severe lack of fulfilling real life relationships, and be bitterly insufferable to actual fans of the show itself with their constant foaming at the mouth when somebody doesn't call their crazed anime flavored personal masturbation fantasy canon." She gasped deeply for breath before turning her head to the side. "But perhaps I am the racist for thinking that!" She smiled. She thought about marrying Van Rook for several minutes, running her wet tongue across her lips. Eventually she snapped out of it. "Oh, right! We got Chinese to eat. Nummy yummy yum."

Drew began piling her plate with chicken lo mein, orange chicken, kung pao chicken, sweet and sour chicken, General Tso's chicken, shrimp and lobster sauce, garlic beef with broccoli, and every other stereotypical American based Chinese restaurant offering that consistently appears in these tales. Not like they have a fast travelling air ship that could literally take them to China if they wanted some real Chinese food. We should take time to count up the number of times these clowns reference Chinese food. I would love to see what the official grand total is.

She took notice of Fiskerton staring woefully at the dinner offerings. "Oh, Fiskerton, why don't you go down to the river and catch some fish? You have that feral look on your face again."

"Yeah," Zak said, stuffing his mouth with chicken fried rice. "Don't fall in."

Fiskerton went outside, where he then had intrusive thoughts about fish. How he loved them. He was part cat. A gorilla-cat. Also known as a Lemurian. What a weird myth. He ran to the local creek and jumped in, using his exemplary gorilla-cat hunting skills to amass some in a pile. His intrusive thoughts reflected on their mother, Drew, and how weird she was acting. Strangely out of character, like she was being controlled by someone who didn't know anything about her canon personality, instead substituting their own shoddily manufactured fantasy of what they interpreted her to be from their own narrowly misogynist perspective where female characters can't be strong and intelligent because women are all insanely vindictive, irrational, catty things, or weak foolish infantile things who need a man to protect and guide them except when he's dark in skin tone, and generally lacked skill at writing. And basic human interactions. Fiskerton wallowed in confusion, slowly chewing on the carcass of a fish, pondering what was up with all the extreme wackiness today. It seemed more excessive than usual.

(At Weird World)

Argost continued to wander his dungeon, watching his prized collection of cryptids eat their meager rations. "Well, I've wasted nearly 30 minutes. Hope I don't get cancelled." He walked down the torch-lit hallway, chucking to himself. "I'm certain I won't. Today's audiences will watch anything."

Argost went to the camera which Munya normally manned when he wasn't absent for no apparent reason, and turned it off, having more intrusive thoughts of Zak Saturday along the way. He knew the boy was a danger, but also one of the best means of locating Kur. Because he was Kur. And Kur was awesome. He wanted to be as awesome as Kur. Like all the Suethors. But there could be only one Kur. Except in that other stupid mirror dimension where all the good characters from the main universe are evil and all the evil characters are likely the goody two shoes of those worlds. So original. Not cliche at all.

"I thought it was understood this series' reliance on cliches was part of its overall charm," said Argost. "Oh well. Everything in moderation, I suppose."

He skipped daintily up the stairs.

"Tra-la-la-la-la!"

(At Sats HQ)

Drew shoveled more orange chicken into her gaping mouth. "God, I love Chinese food!" She saw the nervous look from Zak and wiped her mouth, laughing. "Oh, I'm sorry. I get so pumped when I eat Chinese. The person controlling my actions has a huge obvious fetish for Chinese food they've shamelessly revealed over the past few years while remarking that everyone around them can't write the characters like they are in canon. You know, the way people write me swearing and shit? Ha! But it's okay for me to obsess over that hot hunk, Van Rook, and jam brownies and pizza and Chinese food down my gullet for every meal. Oh, and whine and cry because I lose all my strength during combat for some reason whenever this person writes me. Hypocritical, right?" Also weird how they eat Chinese every other day for the past six years and somehow manage to stay alive. That's way too much MSG for the human body to process. "Anyway, I'm not sure where Doc went or when or even if he'll be back. I can't say I care. I seem to recall he loves Chinese food as much as I do. Obsessively."

"Hey, wait, I thought he liked Thai," Zak said.

Drew slammed her hands down on the table, rattling the dishes and glasses. "WE DON'T TALK ABOUT THAI FOOD IN THIS HOUSE!"

Zak recoiled, lowering his face near his plate. "Okay, sheesh! Sorry." He ate his noodles in silence.

"Any plans for after dinner, kiddo? This is normal dinner conversation for us as interpreted through the canon because Drew is ultra clingy and invasive," Drew said. She guzzled some won ton soup from a bowl. "Man, this is really good! Oh yeah, I wonder where Doyle is. I'd rather have him here than my own husband. He's hot! Unlike my husband. And I really dig Van Rook. He used to beat me during our brief relationship back in college. We also can interpret this from the canon. Abuse makes relationships sexier. It's canon and not the distinctive overtones of this infamous author's overt BDSM addiction they shove into any fanfic, no matter the fandom, no matter the characters."

"Uh, yeah, sure, Mom. I do kinda hope Dad and Doyle show up," Zak said quietly to himself. "Mom is acting super creepy. I could use some backup if something bad happens."

Drew side-eyed him with a devious grin. "What was that, honey?"

Zak choked on his noodles for a second. Her cold, cruel stare was unsettling, to say the least. "Uh, I said I was going to play video games with Fisk, but we can have a non-incestuous mom-son night if you want?" He smiled through his teeth, mentally chanting "Please say no, please say no."

Drew smiled even more crazily. She wiggled her eyebrows.

Zak gulped.

(Outside where Fisk was)

Fisk made the safe decision not to go back home.

Right away, anyhow.

He actually did decide to go back home so why that was there is anyone's guess. Filler.

He wandered around aimlessly for no real reason. More filler. He wondered back to the window. Yes, that was a misspelling left in. He put a finger to his furry chin. Perhaps he'd take the elevator. It was fun to ride elevators. Wondering is fun.

Fisk wondered while he wandered through the extraneous filler that contributed nothing to the overall story. Not that there's any kind of ongoing cohesive story here.

(At Weird World)

Argost traveled to the underground hangar and boarded his fancy attack jet, piloting it himself though Munya was the one who always did that in the canon. Munya, where art thou? He had more intrusive thoughts of Zak, who he already knew was Kur because this was written after the reveal. Oh, that Kur. So tantalizing. He knew Zak was the key to his goal of world domination. The word domination turned him on so bad. He fantasized about leading a mass cryptid army attack on humanity. Tying them up and whipping them. And then forcing them to bring him the world's supply of Chinese food and chocolate cake.

Before he left, he wrote a note for Munya. He dotted all the I's with little hearts.

"Farewell, my love!" he spoke as he wrote. "I'm going somewhere without you because we lack a decent Munya roleplayer and the person who's doubling Argost and Drew has too much on their plate already to keep track of you as well. You don't talk much anyhow. It's hard enough for these unruly bloviators to get the hand of characters with large speaking roles and complex personalities. How unfortunate for them to be forced to consider otherwise mute characters who are well written enough to speak through their actions alone. Everyone should remain completely one dimensional for my feeble comprehension purposes. Anyway, kiss kiss, my beloved lover whom I love." He blushed and giggled. That, like everything so far, was very in character. "Miss you much. I'll be back whenever the incoherent plot allows for it."

He took the note and stuck it to the refrigerator beneath a novelty magnet shaped like a dick.

The Warplane shot off into the sky, somewhat crookedly and at a lower altitude than recommended for safety. It flew in a wobbly circular pattern for several minutes before balancing out.

(At the Sats HQ)

Drew slurped down her won ton soup before getting up and taking all the leftovers to the fridge. "Chinese food is my fetish. It's so good, it turns me on. Like bondage and hot pokers on penis tips." She turned around to face where Zak was sitting, holding a fortune cookie while looking forlorn. "I could play your video games with you, you know. Honey. Sweetie pie." She cracked a smile. By play, she meant beat her son repeatedly at anything. Because she was the best at everything. Anyone who questioned this fact mysteriously died.

"Uh, yeah, sure thing, mom," Zak said, not paying attention. He looked up, stuffing the cookie into his mouth. His fortune read: You will suffer a great misfortune. He whimpered through the mouthful of cookie. "Whoops."

"THAT WOULD BE GREAT," Drew yelled excitedly.

They went to Zak's room.

Fiskerton came running back into the story and the room to see if anyone missed him during his absence. He frowned upon seeing Drew had landed a video game night with Zak. Officially reduced to third wheel, he grumbled to himself, sitting down Indian style to watch the others have fun without him.

(Weird World)

Munya set down his feather duster, having been in the attic all day cleaning the entirety of Weird World. He was clad in a French maid outfit. Just kidding, he wasn't. Yet. I'm sure we'll get there eventually, but that joke couldn't be passed up for right now. After whipping the sweat from his brow, and yes that was another spelling mistake, so we'll assume he whipped it by shaking his head around violently, getting his hair all out of place, he came down and located Argost's cutesy fridge note. He speed read it, letting out a grunt of concern after finishing. More for the plane than anything. He just had it repainted.

(In the Warplane)

Argost sighed longingly, missing his dearly beloved lover lovie love. He made a swift decision to forfeit his flight and turn back, unable to be away from his magnificent man-beast for long. Also the jet needed refueling. The warning alarm was getting on his nerves. He flew home and crashed the Warplane on the runway. Munya would park it properly in the hangar. He knew how to do stuff like that.

Argost ran to the mansion and flung open the door, running aimlessly until he found Munya. "Munya, oh, Munya! I couldn't bear to be away from you!"

He fell to silence for some time.

Munya stood there silently.

They stared at each other. Several minutes passed.

This actually happened in the original. No sense of time flow. Or structure. Or cohesive plot. Best writers in the fandom. Everyone else is jealous of our talentsssssssssss.

"Munya, let us go visit the Saturdays. The boy is my key to happiness. Zak Saturday is Kur, after all. And I want that power for my own."

Munya grunted in agreement.

And grueling repetition. Can't forget that.

(At the Saturday's HQ)

Drew was using author foresight to mistakenly predict events she couldn't possibly know were about to happen while she kicked Zak's ass at some random alien star fighter game she was more obsessed with scoring on than the most elite X-Box gamer alive.

Zak frowned. "Mom, you said you didn't know how to play this game."

"I'm a fast learner," Drew said with a smile. "I'm just that great at everything! It's one of my many talents." She kept pressing the attack "botton" to blow up Zak's ship repeatedly, increasing her score a thousandfold.

Fisk muffled his laughter as he watched his brother's high score getting rapidly trashed and surpassed. It served him right for thinking he was so much better at the game than him. He continued to be reduced to ever shrinking side role.

"It's a living," he said in Lemurian to the fourth wall. Because no one else was listening.

(At Weird World)

Argost glanced around, noting the lack of dust and cobwebs that gave the place an ominous decrepit archaic homey feel. "Munya, were you cleaning while I was away?" He smiled, staring dully at Munya again. The characters stare for extended periods of time. This isn't normal to sane people in the audience, you know. Also smiling for hours while thinking of food is not exactly normal for regular Joes. Just whatever odd little world the original author and friends are in. "I believe you deserve a reward. But instead of awkward clothed sex with a disconcerting religious virgin female focus on timid cuddling and touching every inch of someone's underwear, I shall allow you to gleefully dismember the Saturdays, as is your cruel nature often ignored by the kawaii uguu loving weeaboo shippers who use us in place of a normal heterosexual coupling of canon and Sue. Oh, goodie! They got something correct for once. Let's watch it go ignored five paragraphs later."

Munya clapped, eager at the prospect of violence which wasn't sexual in nature.

(At the Saturdays HQ)

Drew waved the controller around, smiling and laughing. She jammed her finger on the A button, blasting Zak out of the sky again. "This is fun!"

"Speak for yourself," Zak muttered.

Fisk was struggling with a brain aneurysm that prevented his thought dialogue from forming coherently. He was "defitly" absorbed in the game, having taken up the third controller.

And now we find out details about the game no one cares about. Turns out Beeman gave Zak the game for his birthday. Which honestly doesn't seem like something that asshole would do. He would give a gift he himself would enjoy. Not something Zak would enjoy. A giant book on MUFON. Happy birthday, Hair Gel. Enjoy.

Fisk laughed to himself about how much of a dick Beeman was. All the weebs adored him despite his many flaws. It's just something they're attracted to. Generic male douchebags whose obnoxiousness and sadistic nature is somehow mistaken for wit or romance. Ooooh, wait. I get it now. They're templating their real life boyfriends onto likewise fictional characters where they can mold and control the outcome of the relationship exactly how they want it to be without getting punched in the face and called a useless whore. Unless they prefer it that way. It all makes sense now. Fiskerton shook his head in a mix of dismay and amusement when he too realized this. He thought about fish for a few seconds. Primal cat instincts. Wonder if the gorilla part makes him think about eating fruits and vegetables and grubs. Probably not in this headcanon continuity.

(At Weird World)

Munya fantasized about all the lovely wet gore he would produce during his impending killing spree. They went to the hangar and boarded the jet. Munya resumed piloting duty. He settled comfortably in the seat, once more at home behind the controls, itching for battle.

Argost took his secondary chair a few feet behind. "I'm much more cozy back here where I sometimes make the running gag mistake of taking meals while we're doing barrel rolls or being otherwise accosted," Argost said. He leaned back in the seat, relaxing into it. "How I suddenly crave a large leg of roasted turkey with a goblet of vintage wine. And sudden comedic turbulence."

He was struck by random flashbacks of murdering a family who happened to bear an amazing resemblance to Drew and Doyle Blackwell.

"Oh, my. Now that had been a fun incident I'd almost forgotten but just now suddenly happened to recall," he drawled.

(At Saturdays HQ)

Drew stuck her tongue out against the side of her upper lip, imagining Argost's face in place of the fanged boss of the game. She let out a holler when she passed Zak's high score, watching the alien mothership explode. She had intrusive thoughts of her brother and beating him at the game as well. She would whoop everyone's ass. She was the Alien Menace III master.

"Way to go, mom," Zak said because he was a gracious loser. At face value. Secretly he was seething inside.

Fiskerton laughed and clapped his hands. "Good game," he grunted in his native tongue, giving two thumbs up.

Zak frowned harder while no one was looking. "I will avenge my score," he whispered, tears budding in the corners of his eyes.

(At Weird World)

Munya drove the toyetic jet down the runway, then toward the Saturday's compound which was specifically two hours away for some reason. With his jet speed you'd think it would be considerably less than that.

(At the Saturdays HQ)

The Warplane landed right in the Saturday's back yard. Or front yard. Whichever it was.

Argost strolled out with Munya following close behind. He surpassed all forms of security, including perimeter alarm, and went to the front door of the Saturday's compound. Zon was fast asleep in her nest. She didn't wake up. Argost had more intrusive flashbacks of previous episodes. Like when they first met Zon and he attempted to murder her in a horrific way because he's so terribly petty. Very specific mention was made to the ache in his tender furry yeti balls when he landed on the tree branch. You can tell where these people's priorities are at any given time.

He withdrew a Mongolian Death Worm venom capsule and threw it at the door. Again, no alarms sounded as he walked right into the Saturdays compound. He looked around in a panic when he didn't see Munya for two seconds. Argost let out a sigh of relief upon seeing his lover standing behind him a few steps. He waved. Munya waved back. Argost smiled insanely.

In the other room, Drew, Zak and Fiskerton continued playing their game. Drew was so wrapped up in the game, she didn't hear the lumbering footsteps of deadly intruders. Yet she called out in case her family had entered instead. "Doc, Doyle? You there?" She lowered her controller.

"Cool! Did Doyle come back? I hope he brought pizza. Or maybe dad's still alive. Who knows," said Zak. Zak lifted his controller, grinning. He blasted Drew's ship out of the sky thanks to the convenient distraction. "YES! WHO'S BACK IN THE LEAD! NO ONE WILL BEAT MY HIGH SCORE THIS TIME!" He waved the controller above his head.

Fiskerton grunted out a "Huh?" as he looked around.

His keenly attuned Lemurian ears heard what Drew did not. Footsteps. Heavy ones. A pair of intruders. Since it could have been Doc and Doyle, he let his guard down. He followed Drew out of the room.

Back in the other part of the house, Argost placed a hand to his ear and listened. He heard Drew Saturday's voice from a distance, calling out for her husband or brother. How thrilled she would be to see someone else in their places. Argost gave Munya several hand signals. Munya nodded. He had no idea what any of that meant.

"I'm going off to investigate the source of that noise. Don't leave my sight, Zak!" she said sternly. "Doc and Doyle would have said something when they came in. And yet the ridiculously strong security system we have didn't kick on. Canon doesn't matter when its inconvenient." She put a finger to her lip and prodded lightly. "Hmm, unusual. Yet predictable."

"Okay, but you already walked out of the room," said Zak. "And I wanted to fix my high score so no one could ever beat it again."

Fisk shrugged at his nonsensical lines of introspection. "I don't have anything much to do here," he said in traditional Lemurian gibberish.

Munya followed behind his master. Drew's voice was getting closer "tot" their location, causing his primal urge to eviscerate prey to grow stronger. He cracked his knuckles and chuckled at the sheer amount of run-on sentences and missing capitalization in this paragraph. He wondered if things would break into random violent sexual congress during the heat of battle as these things usually went. He hoped not. He greatly enjoyed violence, but not when it involved dicks being slapped into his eye while some hypocritically high and mighty virgin asshole who's only view of sex came from really shitty low budget fetish porn called him a dirty spermrag while assuming the anus is naturally lubricating and the sigmoid colon can never be damaged.

Argost smiled at Munya weirdly. It was one of few actions he knew how to do to express himself. Besides changing the size of his eyes, gasping, trembling, or shrieking and crying. He snapped his finger as a realization hit him. "Oh, Drew Saturday looks exactly like her mommy!" He did in fact recall murdering the Blackwells in the Himalayas all those years ago, tragically separating the sweet innocent children from their parents and each other for a number of years. He laughed with his hand concealing his mouth. Argost placed another hand out to keep Munya at bay when the monster man took an aggressive step forward. "Not yet."

Drew came around the corner with her trusty fire sword out. She saw the pair of villains and whispered, "What are you doing in my home, Argost?" She turned around to make sure Zak was still there, mistakenly leaving herself open for attack. Luckily they didn't attack while her guard was down. She turned back and glared at the enemies. "Why are you grinning like it's one of the few actions you know how to do in this hellishly malformed fanon discontinuity?"

"Yeah, what do you want, Argost?" Zak demanded. He forgot where he put his Claw and was armed only with a wireless controller, somewhat embarrassingly.

Fiskerton gulped, pondering Zak's death at the hands of the enemy. He knew his brother was "detirmaned" and resolute.

An intrusive author's note popped up. How odd every single one of these weebs has severe computer trouble, and very often at that. Learn2computer.

"I desire world domination," Argost said most melodramatically, a clawed finger in the air. He whispered to the terrified fourth wall, "and a good barbed 16 inch dicking, but we'll leave that to a future date." He looked into Drew's eyes, smiling. "Your mother rightly would have worn quite a terrified look on her face since she had never before encountered a beast of my magnitude or ferocity and there was nothing in your parents' past history to indicate they were skilled fighters prepared for such an occurrence. But she scowled at me before I killed her! I still remember it. Scowling seems to be the only facial expression we can do in this bungled headcanon universe of minimal realistic human social interactions."

"I can glower pretty good," Drew growled. "Also this." Drew's mouth dropped open, her eyes bulging in a comically exaggerated expression of shock and horror. It went back to her former dull expression a second later. "A blizzard separated me from my family, oh wait...So I don't know you murdered my parents until you told me just now? I thought we wrote this past that reveal as well." She shook her head. "Anyway, I don't believe it! You're probably lying! You liar!" She glanced at Zak again. "Sorry, but if I don't keep tabs on my son he might wander off. I can't stand it when my property wanders off on its own. I mean, my loved ones. Yeah, that's the correct word I was looking for."

"Yikes on bikes. This is pretty crazy," Zak admitted. "But I'm not going to do anything for you, Argost. Not unless you pay me." He held up the controller as if it were a weapon, feigning competence. His eyes went crossed again. He thought about toilets. "Ha, toilets are funny." He shook his head. "Uh, wait. What were we talking about?"

Fiskerton looked over at Zak. Good thing Zak wasn't a clueless toddler. These clearly adult women love making repetitive references to toddlers, can't help but notice. Fiskerton's mind raced with many poorly executed, disjointed, oddly irrelevant thoughts. His mind wasn't his mind at all, but currently being manipulated by someone who had no clue about his proper characterization to get inside his head. Whoops. So you can't really blame him for the mess.

Argost continued grinning like a madman. "My memory might be somewhat off, but allow me to expository dump your parent's murder from my own sinister perspective. Which is actually the sinister perspective of someone using me as their own personal canon Sue. Not Stu. Sue. I am a female insert of the highest order thanks to my hair. Continuing on with my sordid tale, I saw your camp and thought to myself, my heavens, such a loving family. How tragic would it be if they were suddenly ripped apart?" He let out a sharp laugh. "Remarkably the spitting image you and your brother are of them. It seemed as though they'd never seen a yeti before." Again, this reinforces why Drew's mother would not be scowling before a yeti took her out. She was likely confused and terrified in the short time she had to react.

Drew again adopted an exaggerated expression of shock. "Well, aren't you cheeky!" She started tearing up, knowing he was telling the truth. She'd been in denial for so long. Drew raised her sword overhead and ran clumsily straight at Argost, forgetting how to strategically attack despite her years of offensive training. "DIE MONKEY-MAN!"

"Mom, wait," Zak barked. "You can't take revenge on Argost. It wouldn't be nice. Multiple lines of dialogue that don't fit my character! Deeeeuuuuuuuurghp." He began to rub his finger against his lip. He grabbed his head. "Ow, head...hurts. Can't...think...thoughts."

Fisk looked at Zak with confusion. He shrugged. He snarled at Argost. His parts get shorter and less relevant to the story as it drags on.

Drew stopped in mid-rush and stared over the shoulder at Zak, the sword held over her head. "ARGOST IS PURE EVIL! HE MUST BE STOPPED! He killed my freaking parents, after all." She looked forward again, then her eyes lowered toward the floor with a deep guilt. "And yet I realize killing him for revenge won't bring them back." She glanced between her son and Argost until she became dizzy. "WOT DO?"

Argost laughed snidely. "Yes, if you kill me, my dear, you'll be no better than me and such beloved cliches. But rest assured, I'll let you see your parents again in death."

Zak shook his head. "Mom, he's pure evil but you can't take revenge on him. You can't, you can't, you can't! How many times does this have to be emphasized in a single paragraph? Holy redundancy, Batman!" He placed a hand to his aching head. "Uh, anyhow. I can't let you kill Argost, Mom." He jumped forward and clung to her leg. "PLEASE DON'T! HE'S THE MOST POPULAR CHARACTER HERE! WE ARE ALL JUST EXTRANEOUS PLOT DEVICES TO THESE AUTHORS! Uh, I mean, please, no more violence toward Argost, Mom! It's not Kosher!" Zak developed a look of frightened confusion. He was not sounding like himself at all.

Oh, so they acknowledged. Briefly.

Fisk noticed it too, remarking in thought how this was somewhat troublingly OUT OF CHARACTER.

Whoaaaaaaaaaa, parodyception. The self-awareness level has risen by a couple increments.

And now for another intrusive author's note. Those are the best kind.

Seriously? Both these people's computers crashed within the same week? Or is one narcissist here lying to compete with the other for most harrowingly oppressed upper class suburban sadfeels of the day. Oh, woe is me. My plight is worse than the one you've just told me that I'm feeding off of in order to imitate. I must be the superior of everything, including imaginary strife. I suppose it's a simple yet highly suspicious coincidence they get viruses on every website they visit.

Moving on.

Drew turned around, eyes bugging out from their sockets. "ZAK! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY AUTHORITY! IF I HAVE BLOODLUST, I DESERVE TO ENACT IT AS I PLEASE! Oh, I mean," she lowered the sword, "boy, yeah. I'm kind of acting OOC here. But anyway, honey, I'll let you decide Argost's fate instead. You have a budding penis. I only have a sinful cock receptacle and baby pooping hole that prevents me from making decisions on my own." She grinned while she sheathed her sword. She looked at Argost and immediately scowled again. "Scowl," she grunted, doing it really hard at him. Scowlllllll. Where's that drinking game again?

"Oh, how droll," Argost said. "You can't kill me or your precious little baby boy will get the angsty sads. If you allow me to live, I'll continue to wreak death and destruction on the world and possibly capture you do I can take you to my torture dungeon and rape you." He giggled when Drew snarled and growled at him.

"DON'T GO THERE, YOU WITHERED OLD BAT!" Drew shrieked. Secretly, she was hoping they would so she could bang Van Rook again and have his snowy ghost babies.

Zak was in a tight spot. He couldn't let his dear mommy kill the big bad meanie pants, or she'd wreck her reputation and be tainted forever, like a woman who has sex before marriage. But Zak didn't want to fight anymore and suddenly inexplicably became a pacifist. He sure didn't want to fight "Atgost" anymore. Indeed. "Boy, I wish Dad was here to help us make more rational decisions. Too bad he's black. I mean mysteriously absent from the plot and barely referenced for no underlying obvious reason at all."

Drew snarled so hard, her mouth looked like a braying donkey's. She made it audible with a bigger, louder growl. That is sure in character for Drew. Drew, the secret wolf furry from that other story. Oh, we'll get there. Just wait. She whipped out her sword again. Make up your mind, Drew. In or out. She turned back to her son yet again, struggling not to get whiplash from the amount of times she did it.

"Remain cautious," she stated robotically before turning back to face Argost, frowning. "Get outta here, you fiend," she said, pointing the sword at him. She took exactly three steps toward him. "You heard me. I won't repeat myself."

Man, this is getting exciting. Also what the fuck is going on.

Argost grinned not unlike a certain beloved Cheshire Cat from the franchise you should already recognize by saying Cheshire Cat. But we'll assume the audience is as pitifully unworldly as we ourselves are and needs to be constantly reminded of everything.

He titled his head to one side and said, "Most everyone's mad here, dear lady. And we're going to continue on with this extended discussion of you turning evil by slaying me and everyone being disappointed in you. Also every character's actions will be observed passively through another's eyes instead of through that actual character's perspective. Such good writing! A genuine masterpiece! Everyone else in this fandom sucks balls!" He tossed his hair over his shoulders. "Besides that comically anvalicious point, if you kill me then poor Zak won't be able to watch my delightful little program. Think of all the children and adult-children all over the world you'll be robbing of an Emmy nominated program."

"Emmy nominated, my orange leather hugged ass crack," Drew spat. "The show is absolute shit. It stays on the air because of the merchandise it sells to compulsive consumer idiots! Its only saving grace is being Adored By The Network!"

Argost inched forward and revealed his tiny claws. Tiny? They look pretty large to me. But okay. Whatever floats your kawaii flowery sparkles cuddle cutie woobie villain time boat.

"No, I hate Weird World," Zak professed. "It's been lacking in entertainment value for a while now. It's going through some major seasonal rot."

Zak was very aggravated and frustrated. He shook his gaming controller in Argost's direction. Munya had been standing there not doing anything for a long while. Did they forget about him, or what? "You'd better leave, Argost. Or we'll cancel you before the network finally does."

Fisk read Zak's actions over passively, wishing he was on vacation in Hawaii.

Drew kept on snarling like it was the only current action she could do. Because it was. Quotes randomly appeared in the wrong place causing Drew to awkwardly state: "He was trying to get to her. She didn't want to admit this out loud, but he was doing a good job. Oh, damn it!" She covered her mouth with her hands, but it was too late.

Argost laughed along with the audience.

Drew wanted to erase his ugly face permanently. She once again turned back to Zak.

Zak gulped, staring into his mom's crazy eyes. She looked like she was going to kill someone soon. Or maybe start foaming at the mouth while confessing she and Van Rook murdered Doc and buried his corpse somewhere so they could elope together and have a bunch of hilariously violent BDSM sex that automatically resulted in numerous snow white babies. She had that familiar look on her face. It worried Zak. He was in a freakishly bad position, stuck wondering why his life was spiraling out of control. It felt like he was in a bad round robin written by frustrated loons who wanted to use him and his mom like creepy sex puppets for their romanticized abuse fantasies after this was over. Or maybe while it was still going. I haven't made it that far yet. God, I hope not.

Please, I nearly died during the last one. My brain attempted to shut down permanently in self-defense.

Fisk wanted Argost to go the fuck away, as did most of the audience. This wasn't the deviously charismatic canon Argost the audience knew and respected. Merely a bastardized weeaboo Mary Sue insert version of him. Fiskerton envisioned a nice hammock stretched between two palms in Maui. With a lovely piña colada. Just once, couldn't they have a relaxing weekend free of torment?

The answer as we all know, is NOPE. No rest for the innocent while the wicked have idle hands.

Argost smiled crazily for several minutes. Then he dropped the smile, realizing nobody else in the family was around. The husband, whatever his name was. The hot edgy McCool jerk brother voiced by Will Friedle doing the only voice anyone cares about him for. That annoying dinosaur-bird with the bizarre My Little Pony hair. The big fat dumb lizard who eats constantly and can turn invisible at will. The twenty-seven other clone sisters Zak had that all claimed to be a female version of Kur. They were nowhere to be found. This may or may not have been a good thing.

He insisted on navigating his vile gaze toward the main cast. Insisted. His smile changed in meaning. Now it meant he wasn't just insane, he was excited. Oh boy. There's those random quotes again. Good thing they weren't closed this time to make another hilarious accidental line of unintentional dialogue. Argost kept having intrusive thoughts about wolf-like cryptids. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that these authors are raging wolfaboos in addition to being raging weeaboos.

He let out a howl and ran blindly at his enemies.

Drew struck with her sword but all her skill in battle had been stripped away to fit the plot contrivance of her being suddenly inept. "CURSE THESE OVARIES!" she cried as she missed her target by a mile.

Argost kicked her in the face, sending her to the floor. She dropped the sword. Argost's foot met her hand. She grunted in pain. None of this battle scene happened like this and in the original fic it was terribly awkward and boring.

"Oh no, Mom!" Zak threw the gaming controller at Argost's head. It hit him square in the giant forehead. Argost let out a yelp. "I keep having extreme bouts of crippling self doubt after every action I do! Woe is me!"

Argost clutched his head. Good thing he was still wearing the mask. It got cracked from that blow, just like in Kur Rising. He scowled the scowliest scowl he'd ever scowled. Scowl. He pulled off his mask and roared, just like his big reveal in And Your Enemies Closer, exposing his sexy bishonen yeti visage to everyone left in the story.

And thanks to more random quotes, yelled out: "He bared his dagger-like teeth! His features were not human! He was more primate than man! No, dear, he was simply a YETI. You'd think these highly intelligent and studious scientists would be familiar with that after all their years working with cryptids. And that is some horrid writing coming up to consider oneself the best writer in this fandom, hmm?" He grinned again, throwing back his head in a mocking laugh. "He managed to harm the person Zak loved!" He grinned again.

Drew's eyes bugged out while her jaw hung in a gape. "Stop reading the narration! It's making this far more terrible to sit through!"

"But so much more amusing," Argost bellowed. "Your mommy had the same look on her face when she read that insane mpreg fic of me. How I love observing women and effeminate men suffering for the sole sake of titillation and uguu cutesy-poo emotional hugfests."

Zak took note of his mom going into rage mode. She was getting mad which made him mad. Not mad as in angry, but fucked up from the barrage of hilariously OOC nonsense going on all at once. He was glad he wasn't being sexually assaulted by Argost and Munya.

"Argost, you and your stupid yeti self really need to get a life!" Zak gasped. "Oh my God, that was a literal line of thought dialogue in the original version." And here's another: Zak was not going to "shoe" fear. "I won't! I won't shoe fear!" He raised his foot high and pointed to it. "You'll never win because I'm gonna fight you!" He pulled The Claw out of his butt. "I gotta stop leaving this thing lying around." He twirled it and got into a cool pose. Seconds before it flipped out of his hands. "Oops." He picked it up and acted casual.

Fisk's role was so diminished, we're going to leave him out for now until something actually interesting happens.

Drew snarled again. My God. "It's the only other action I know for some reason! At least we haven't made it to any torrential sobbing tears yet. That happens a LOT!" She wasn't going to let Argost damage her head. Damage her head? I can't even tell if that's meant in a psychological or physical way here. It could be both. She stared at Zak again, worrying about him. "Fisk, do something to help my son! I'm at a preconceived disadvantage because I'm female." She groaned in pain, clutching her naughty shameful lady bits. "This feminine hole of mine is ruining my characterization!" she cried.

Fisk jumped in front of Zak with his arms out. Zak blinked several times. "Okay, Fisk. You don't have to repeat what just happened in exposition form. That's pretty redundant."

"I CAN'T HELP IT! IT'S THE WRITING!" Fisk shouted frantically in Lemurian. Now he was stuck helplessly in that pose until his turn came back.

Argost smiled and shrugged. "Whatever you wish." He bared the dagger-like teeth again because we can't say he bared his teeth and leave it at that. We know they're sharp and pointy. Like daggers. Grueling repetition, how we adore you. He grinned again. Again.

"Quit grinning over and over again," Zak screamed. "I could maybe punch the smile off his ugly monkey face if Fisk would just stop blocking my view with his hairy butt? Upspeak?"

"Zakj, if that is your real name and not another unedited typo, why did you do that? Are you insane or something?" Fisk yelled which the audience will once again interpret as Dietrich Bader's primate-feline gibberish as displayed in the canon.

Drew was angry and in pain. Disregarding those fifty pages prior of how she shouldn't kill Argost, she now totally wanted to kill him very slowly and painfully, as is always the emphasis when speaking of vengeance based murders in this author's work. And then we focused on this for several more sentences. She looked at the annoying adopted monkey-cat biped thing she sometimes had to think of as Zak's brother.

Argost smiled instead of grinning for the hundredth time. "I'll gladly end your life first, Lemurian. You'd don't play a significant role in this story and all your existing narration seems very forced. It's apparent the writers haven't the faintest clue what to do with you." Biggest fans ever.

Munya continued to stand there and not be relevant to the plot yet. This keeps getting funnier the longer it goes on and becomes more apparent the roleplayer apparently forgot about him being there with Argost. They can't handle both at one time unless they're fucking either each other or Zak. No narrow fetish based interest, no relevance. Amazing.

Zak tried to slide around his brother's furry body. When suddenly he felt a tug at his pants. Oh gosh, here we go. Oh, no, wait. It's just Komodo. Pulling on Zak's pants? Uh...what. Okay, instead of Komodo stealthily sneaking up on Argost and company and biting a chunk of his ass to provide a distraction, he's coming up and biting Zak's pants for no reason? Okay then. You're the experts on this show.

Oh, wait, here we go.

Zak took control of Komodo and made him attack Argost. As opposed to Komodo doing that on his own free will. But anyway. The look on Argost's stupid face was "price-less." And then Komodo was conveniently written out of the plot once his purpose as a shallow device to be used as the writer deemed necessary had been fulfilled. Of course.

Fisk was confused when he heard Zak burst into inappropriately timed laughter. It's not like their mom was injured and possibly bleeding or worse on the floor there. KOMODO BITE ARGOST, FUNNY, HA HA! Fisk wouldn't let anyone get hurt...even though Drew already got hurt, making this sentence, as with many things, contradictory.

Argost's eyes bugged out after the attack. Oh, come on already. You do NOT need to write EVERY SINGLE ACTION that happens. And these people get mad when no one wants to read their insipid bullshit. You make it so fucking tedious. That is not good writing, hate to burst your iron bubble of viciously rejected criticism. He got up from the floor. He scowled again. Scowl, scowl, scowl. And that last line isn't relevant at all so it will be left out.

You know there are various tutorials free to read online about writing and how to do it, right? You'll never improve if you assume you're already perfect and scream and whine when people dare to give your shitty writing criticism to help you improve or at least make you aware of your shortcomings that you keep pretending do not exist.

I don't know why I'm bothering with handing out this free advice, seeing how at least one of the people who wrote this flaming piece of crap is a well known racist pedophile hypocrite who refuses to improve their writing anyhow and actively attacks anyone who dares criticize them in any way. It's doubtful anyone will care about their crazed obsessive spamming of their weird Mary Sue self-insert sexual fetish Japanese mafia shit poorly disguised as, and I'm paraphrasing the sentiments here, but it's hilariously accurate to how they really do believe is truth, "ACTUAL SECRET SATURDAYS CANON STORIES THAT THE REST OF THE FANDOM HATES BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS!" if they ever show their face again. Yeah, we get it. You took Argost, Drew, and Van Rook and stole them to use as your freaky OCs, Craig, Isabella, and Sasha. For the past several years. In multiple fandoms. You didn't even change the titles and plots of the so-called stories you plagiarized off of and replaced their names with TSS characters. You never do. Why? You think people really don't notice this? Yikes. That is some impressively vast lack of self-awareness.

Back to this hot mess of fuck.

Drew put on a crazy smile, wishing she had a camera to document the moment because that's something that Drew fucking Saturday would canonically do in the heat of battle with her deadliest enemies. Right. How is everyone else in this fandom a shitty writer who can't characterize the cast properly in their own stories? Please explain. In great detail. I think we deserved an explanation after all this time. Then she frowned while sitting there, pondering whether this would turn into one of those torture-fetish stories where she and what was left of her family put Argost in a maid outfit and humiliated him for author gratification. Possibly in some recurring torture dungeon that appears in every single one of this author's fics at least once regardless of fandom. Everyone seems to have one of those on hand, just waiting to be used. No coincidences.

Zak finished laughing and tried to look innocent. Komodo came back but only to see if Zak had food. This whole paragraph is hilariously sad and proves these author's priorities lie with sex and food every waking moment of the day, they can't even conceive of realistic human thoughts to put into fictional characters' heads. Well, Komodo was there. Zak continued to chuckle at Argost's comical misfortune. Forgetting completely that his mom was injured. Yeah. This keeps going.

Fisk covered his face with his large palm and motioned for the narration to pass over his mediocre part of reiterating previously transpired events from his own mangled perspective. Sorry, pal. This might not have happened if you spoke English. On second though, it probably would have.

Drew couldn't take her eyes off Fisk and Zak. Argost wouldn't leave, no matter how many times she either asked politely or threatened him. She figured capturing him was a good idea. Oh, boy. Let's see how this works out. Drew motioned for Zak to bash him with The Claw since she was rendered completely useless now and couldn't do anything herself.

Argost squinted in Drew's direction. "Oh, my. I can tell you're planning something naughty. But I don't know what." He frowned with the sads. He went up to Fisk and prepared to slice him good with his cute tiny yeti claws.

Zak took advantage of Argost going after his poor socially awkward adopted brother and ran toward the enemy, screaming while waving The Claw, completely forgetting it could be fired as a retractable projectile. He smashed Argost in the face with it. He would have laughed some more, but now he was way too serious. Ha ha, right. Zak continued to bash Argost's face bruised and bloody, kicking him in the side while he was down.

Fisk gave a thumbs up of approval.

"Go, Zak! That's my boy," Drew shouted from her place on the floor. And so Argost was conveniently and brutally beaten senseless by a 13 year old for the sake of whatever is going on here. She got up and dusted herself off, sighing. "Whew, glad that's finally over. Also good thing Munya can't move." She pointed to Munya, who was frozen into irrelevance and had since been forgotten by the roleplayers in this story. You can all laugh heartily as I am doing right now. "So then, let's get something and tie Argost up. Mmm, bondage!"

Zak wiped the sweat off his brow. He looked down to admire his handiwork. Argost was very beat up. That's the way everyone in this cesspool of a forum likes him. Bruised and bloody, crying hysterically in his underwear. Zak yawned really loud. All that violence after declaring how much he didn't want to fight was sure exhausting.

Fiskerton produced some rope, helping Drew tie up Argost. They locked Argost in a vault in the lowest level of the HQ. What, no torture dungeon? When they returned, Zak passed out on the floor. All the comical stupidity had caused him to lose consciousness. Sleep peacefully, you poor child.

Drew kept repeating actions that happened in other people's posts while thinking about Argost, all tied up in bondage and helpless in their prison vault. She licked her lips, making a "Lalalala" noise. Think of the Vancome Lady and you'll have an exact audio replica.

Fisk put Zak to bed and watched him sleep. It wasn't creepy. Zak kept mumbling about nobody beating his high score. Drew came in and touched his hair, causing him to moan in a way that frightened her into quickly removing it. She licked her lips again, rolling her eyes upward as if savoring a delicious snack. Fisk knew she was thinking about Argost in the vault. He cringed. At least she wasn't thinking about Zak.

Drew rummaged under Zak's bed until she found his cute little stuffed unicorn. She lifted his arm and put it beneath, giggling in an infantile school girl manner. "Aww, so cute!" she cooed.

Fisk knew Zak hated the unicorn because it was too girly and he felt emasculated by it. He stifled a giggle. Now Zak looked totally gaaaaaay.

"Mommy?" Zak muttered in his sleep.

Drew ran to him and began petting his hair again. "That's weird. He hasn't called me that since he was three. Only Van Rook calls me that!"

Fiskerton gulped nervously, smelling the infantilization fetish rearing its ugly head.

Oh no.

Drew tried not to laugh. "Oh, poor baby!" She kept snickering at the stupid unicorn tucked in her son's arms.

(In the vault)

Argost slowly opened his eyes, groaning. He held his aching head. He automatically knew he was in a prison vault in the Saturday compound. His dagger-like teeth were mentioned yet again. Yes, we KNOW. Yeti has sharp teeth. Good, fine. Move along. He snarled. Ugh. "How could I have been so easily defeated by the littlest Saturday? How demeaning!" He looked around to make sure he wasn't in a torture dungeon. "I'm certain it could be worse. At least I'm not in a maid outfit getting my buttocks whipped raw."

He stood up and brushed himself off, straightening his cloak.

Then he broke down, stomped his foot and began shrieking.

"LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT! I DEMAND YOU RELEASE ME AT ONCE!"

He bashed himself up against the door. Nothing. Wouldn't open.

"So how is it I can manage to escape with all the grace and quickness of a professional ninja after Zak locked me in a utility closet in canon, but I'm stuck here now?" Argost complained. He waved his finger in the air. "I call shenanigans!"

He folded his arms and impatiently waited for someone to release him. Delusions, yay.

(Zak's bedroom)

"Where Pony Boo-Boo go, Mommy?" Zak whimpered.

Fisk started laughing again. It wasn't because he found any of these current oddities amusing. He felt like he was slowly losing his mind. I know the feeling, buddy.

Drew insisted on smiling, struggling not to laugh. And yet everyone else writes the Saturdays OOC in this fandom. That is the major complaint from these very authors. The fandom writes everyone OOC. Not them, personally. Who wrote this round robin WTF. That I am now parodying. Turning into an actual story to the best of my ability for the past two months. Somehow. Slowly losing my sanity along the way. Okay then.

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TURN EVERY CHARACTER INTO A BABY REGARDLESS OF CANONICAL AGE? WHAT IS WITH THE CONSTANT AGE REGRESSION SHIT? The crying and tantuming. The shrieking. The bondage. The underwear. The Lolita cosplay with Japanese rock band karaoke. I feel like I don't want to know on a personal level and everyone else already knows the answers anyway.

"Oh, Zakie, you have Mr. Lumpy Pony Butt in your arms, sweetums," she said. "You don't have to worry anymore. No one will hurt you." She struggled not to laugh again at such an absurdity. "Speaking of whom. Let's go check on our captive yeti."

"Big shiny lizard," Zak muttered. He tossed and turned.

(At the unspecified vault)

Fisk went to peek through the peephole in the vault. Or however they're looking into the holding cell. Or whatever it is. It's never described in detail. He saw Argost, awake and very cross.

(Upstairs in Zak's room)

Drew stopped giggling and remembered Argost in the vault. "Argost broke into our house but he's locked in another room," she said in a dry monotone. That was an actual line of dialogue Drew spoke in the original.

Komodo showed up again, waiting for his purpose in the plot. It wasn't being functional member of the Saturday family anymore.

Meanwhile, looks like Munya was...entirely forgotten by these authors. That's making me laugh more than it should every time I point it out.

(The vault)

Argost was tied up and very mad and also angry. He kept scowling at Fisk through the peephole or whatever it is. Again, nothing is specified in detail. Unless it is completely irrelevant to the plot. Then it will be described in excruciating detail for several aggravating paragraphs. He snarled. "Be a good boy and let me out of here. I promise I won't kill you."

(Zak's room)

"Mommy, mommy," Zak continued. There was a random line of dialogue about Komodo jumping on the bed, complete with smiley face. Best writers. Better than anyone. Quality standards. "Where's my light blue blankie?" Zak stuck his thumb in his mouth. What is with infant fetishes and light blue colors with these people. Yeah, we already know. It's probably a dd/lg thing. But shouldn't it be pink then? Or are they just doing that because DUDES involved this time around. You know light blue used to be the gender role specific color for girls, not boys, back in the day. And pink for boys.

(The vault)

"Uh uh," Fisk grunted angrily. He inspected the lock. It looked fine, but only the plot would tell for sure if it would break or not.

(In Zak's room)

Drew poked a finger under her chin. "I'll find it," she said. She started laughing again, thinking about taking pictures of her 13 year old son with his unicorn and safety blanket for blackmailing purposes. It was under the bed with everything else. "Look, here it is!"

Where in the fuck is this story going. I'm worried.

(Back at the vault)

Argost struggled desperately within his bonds. "Dear me, these certainly aren't the fun kind I use during socially maladjusted weeaboo shut-in virgin female imitation gay sex." His monkey-face got real mad and angry. He snarled again for the umpteeth time. I'm shocked he's not trembling like a leaf in a storm.

(Zak)

Zak was in his feverish dream hell. He had the UNICRON. Ha ha. In his hands. He was drooling and delusional. He couldn't control his own actions. Because somebody else was controlling them. Making him do all kinds of fucked up shit for their own twisted amusement. And that would be just find and dandy if not for the fact they dared to insult the rest of the fandom by referring to it as actual canon instead of headcanon, and saying how everyone else was bad and wrong and OOC and pathetically unaware of how the actual canon was, and did not watch the show, so on and so on. A daily barrage of whiny insults out of jealousy of other people's popularity. Because they actually wrote shit other people wanted to read, unlike this dreck. Where the most readers are those who come purely for the laughs.

"Mommy, I'm a-scared of the dark!"

It was like someone else was inside his head. Forcing him to do horrible things. Laughing as they watched him, helpless.

Fisk came back to see Zak in a drugged looking stupor, drooling all over the place. He wasn't scared or shocked. No, he thought it was funny. That's his canon personality. That's his logical reaction. Drew gave him a scolding look for once instead of erupting into childishly inappropriate laughter. Oh, like you have room to scold, Drew.

Drew cupped her hands and smiled. "Aw. I have no idea what's going on, but it's very silly and cute to me. And no one else. To everyone else this is terrifying and likely offensive." She turned to Fiskerton. "So, how was Argost? Being a good little monkey? At least he's tied up so he can't hurt my poor little baby boy. Only I can do that."

(Back at the vault)

Argost kept insisting on snarling all the time while he struggled against the ropes. He couldn't manage to free himself. Munya was nowhere to be found. Or maybe he was still standing there in the living room, forgotten, frozen. Too bad. He could have been rescuing his poor beloved lover, Argost. Right?

That's fucking hilarious.

Argost wished he had some Mongolian Death Worm venom. Guess he used it all up on the door when he came in. He recalled how he escaped from chains during one of his Weird World episodes and felt annoyed that he couldn't do that anymore. He was a regular Houdini in canon. Except when a fanon plot called for him to be completely inept and helpless. Then all his skill and charm vanished, replaced by whatever the fuck the anime and fetish porn obsessed authors wanted. Hmm, how strangely coincidental. But it's canon, right? Ha ha! Right.

"How evil of the Saturdays to let me rot down here, forgotten and miserable! It's not like a deserve it or anything. But it's also not like them to take this means of justice into their own hands. I should have rightly been given over to some specialized authority department. Perhaps the Plumbers, seeing as how our universes are officially intertwined."

Remind me to write a T.G.I.S. parody one day because it was disappointingly terrible.

(Upstairs)

Fisk shrugged. "Buwwah."

Fisk informed Drew that Argost was locked up tight and pissed off. He picked Zak up bridal style which if he was awake would have made him highly upset and offended. Good thing he wasn't. He cuddled up against Fiskerton. Which was really weird according to the ongoing train wreck of characterization here making Zak overtly homophobic. Thanks, gross author projection. You make everything so shamelessly obvious. Fiskerton moved Zak from his own room to Drew's room. Drew's room? Not Drew and Doc's shared bedroom? Okay. Whatever. Doc isn't relevant to this story anyhow.

(Zak's inner turmoil)

Zak felt himself being lifted in the demeaning way he hated. He was screaming and yelling to be put down because he wasn't a pussy little bitch or anything. But his body didn't respond. This was all inside his head. It really sucked, let me tell you. Actual line. He was now on his mom's bed. Not his mom and dad's shared bed. Guess there is no love in that marriage if they need separate beds. Wonder when the divorce papers will arrive. Or Doc's death report. A lot of boring detail was paid to Zak talking about how cool his room was and how lame his boring parent's was. If only this were a terrible nightmare he could wake up from. But he wasn't waking up.

(Drew's room)

Drew pursed her lips tightly after listening to Fiskerton talk about Argost. "Argost can't run around here willy nilly. He's a jackass. And since Doc isn't around anymore, I'm the one who has to consider everyone's safety. Excluding my own. I was injured and I never stopped to check my wounds. Or Zak's. Nope. Just a good old inappropriately laughing happy giddy time."

"I'm cold, so cold," Zak whimpered. His body wasn't responding to anything his mind willed. He "dought" this is a random "coinincedent" though. Yes, indeed. None of this happens when your Saturday. What about your Saturday? Stop changing tenses. This is awkward enough already.

"It's not like he's gonna chew his way out of there," Fiskerton assured Drew, though he wasn't sure himself. A lot of fucked up things had happened and many of them were completely nonsensical. Like how Doc or Munya vanished without a trace. They weren't relevant outside of the author's crazy ghost-wolf-dragon transformation torture cuckoldry fetish pornfic. And even then, they had minor roles as plot devices to the three main objects of fetishization: Argost, Drew, and Van Rook. Fisk giggled at his own stupid line of dialogue. Drew was giving him the stink-eye again. "Whuzhagmmghf." That was Lemurian for "What? It's not my fault. It's the writing."

Fiskerton wondered why Zak had regressed to a toddler. He figured it was the wacky author appeal diaper fetish theme that always shows up inevitably in these things slithering its way in once again. But there had been no sobbing or exposed underwear for a while now. He chewed his own fingertip nervously, eyes darting back and forth. He accidentally forgot when he met the Saturdays in canon and it was assumed he was around when Zak was a screaming incoherent toddler though they met when he was about 5 or 6 or so and already very intelligent for his age. What is canon? Do we care? Nope. We pull things from our assholes as we please and call the rest of the fandom hypocrites who don't watch the show.

"Argost is a sexy beast," Drew mumbled as Fisk looked on. She shook her head. "Oh, uh, I said don't underestimate him. He's a monster." She sighed. "A sexy monster. He could piss in my mouth all day."

She stared at Zak again. She bite her lip, wondering how Argost was doing in the non-torture dungeon.

Zak was feverish but no one seemed to be providing him with accurate medical attention. Sucks for him. He couldn't explain why he was babbling like a toddler for no real reason. He usually never got sick. Not like this.

Drew continued biting her lip until it developed a trickle of blood. She grabbed a bunch of blankets and wrapped Zak into a multi-layered human burrito. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER! Unlike in the canon." She got up and pointed at Fiskerton. "Here, furry! You watch him! Make sure he doesn't die and give him anything he wants. I'm going to be near Argost whom I prefer."

(To the vault!)

She ran down to him in an eager lust fueled by the original authors creepy obsession with his hair length.

Drew shrugged. "Hey, at least it's not Van Rook this time!"

She got to the vault door and began scowling again, as was customary. She loved talking about his emotions. Like angry, crying, and scared shitless. Those were the only ones she knew. She plugged her ears as he screamed and roared and was generally throwing a huge violent tantrum. You know. Like he does in the canon. Or every single time he's written into a fic by this specific author. Same as every male character they've ever written, no matter the fandom, no matter the character. No correlation.

Ha ha, just kidding. Huge fucking correlation.

"Aw, poor Argost. He's unhappy, but I can't let him bother my family," Drew said before she smacked her head into the wall repeatedly. "This...is...close...to...my actual dialogue...in the show. Right?" She rubbed her face. "Anyway, it's your own fault for being a dumb shithead, Argost!"

Argost grinned again. How are they looking at each other? Is this a jail cell with bars they didn't detail in any way? Please describe the vault.

"But dear lady, isn't your job to protect crypids from harm? And aren't I an amazingly endangered species?"

Drew's eyes bugged out again. She was ultra fucking mad. She exposed her teeth and snarled in a snarly snarl of snarldom. She whipped our her sword and brought it down on Argost. Whoa. Okay then.

Oh, wait. She just cut his ropes.

Wait, WHAT?

"Oh, well! Thank you," Argost said. "That was quite unexpected." He ran away, laughing.

"WAIT, I ACTUALLY DIDN'T MEAN FOR THAT TO HAPPEN!" Drew yelled. She gave chase. "I WANTED TO CUT YOU, NOT FREE YOU! God, for all my training since I was a child, I suck with this weapon."

Good thing the vault jail cell door had been conveniently unlocked too. Or did he just noclip through the wall?

Argost ran through the Sat's HQ. Instead of getting out of there and trying to figure out what the fuck happened to Munya, he immediately navigated to Drew's room where Fisk and Zak were. Of course.

(Drew's room of doom)

"Greetings and beinvenue, losers," he said as he smiled wickedly and wrung his clawed hands.

Fiskerton screamed after Argost suddenly showed up out of the blue. And then he just described what happened in Argost's scene from his own perspective, contributing nothing to it.

Zak was dying or something. It's not discernible yet. He was stuck in all these blankets. He wheezed and hacked up phlegm. And now Argost was there.

"Mommy, please let me stay home from school today," he whined. His mouth really loved him. At least it was his own mouth this time.

He stared balling. As opposed to bawling. Playing basketball in his fever induced sleep is not the weirdest shit going on here.

"I pissed your mommy off so much she tried to kill me after all. And woe for her, all that aggression and her sword fighting skills are so inadequate. She missed me and sliced the ropes instead. Can you believe it?" Argost laughed wickedly. He stared at the pair of helpless idiots.

Fiskerton face palmed his forehead. That's not part of the parody, but an actual line. Well, Drew had let Argost go. How contrived. Also Zak was playing basketball in his sleep while crying hysterically. What the hell was going on. Fiskerton wanted to cry too. But mostly he wanted to wake up from this psychotic nightmare.

But wait, there's more.

(Zak's mind)

"No, stop! This isn't me! I don't do this! This is really bad writing by a couple of infamous weeaboos! Fiskerton! Help! Can you hear me?" Zak screamed in his limbo. He was getting a headache in his head. Inside his head. In the head. Um. A headache in his psyche, you mean?

(Drew's room)

Drew showed up and snarled again. There's this thing called a Thesaurus. Look into it. "Get outta here, you shitface!" she snarled. Oh, come the fuck on. Stop snarling every five minutes. Drew continued to do every mundane action step by step because it's too hard to use compound sentences. She kept looking at Fiskerton to protect Zak. Because she obviously couldn't herself and had demonstrated that multiple times. She took two specific steps toward Argost. She didn't know why she kept trying to face off with him. She couldn't use her sword for shit.

(Zak's mind)

Zak knew his mom juts got mad from Argost. He the middle of all the crying his eyes out. Holy fuck, what is spell check? Editing is too hard for such prolific writing geniuses. Can't be bothered. Yes, what kind of sickness is this? It's worse than the plot convenient unknown mysterious illness that randomly strikes everyone else in that other author's tragically stupid tales of woe and eternal sobbing. So they all use this. This is seriously like an ongoing Suethor story trait. Plot Based Unexplained Illness That Does Whatever The Author Needs Or Wants we'll call it. That's a mouthful, but it's accurate.

(The real world)

Fiskerton whimpered, but jumped over to throw his arms out protectively over Zak's sad burrito form. He was crying and balling again. BAWLING. No, what he was doing is rolling back and forth in his burrito of blankets like a worm in the rain, trying to escape from this insane plot.

Drew was alerted by the sound of hysterical crying. She bit her lip again. She wanted to ran to him and smother him in giggling kissies, but Argost was there being all dumb and stuff. She snarled again. "How many times am I going to do this?"

FOR ALL ETERNITY!

(Zak's sudden inexplicable mental trauma)

Zak was sad and worried and confused, trapped within the whatever space that prevented him from waking up and doing anything useful. He tried to stop crying like a baby, but he couldn't. Even he though the constant crying was annoying. It wasn't sexy at all. Then he stared hallucinating younger versions of himself. What.

"Whut?" Zak gasped, as confused as everyone reading.

(Drew's room)

Fiskerton saw Zak writhing. He was getting loud and "desprate." What was "goinging" on in that head of his? Ha haaaaaaaaaaw. Who the fuck knows.

Drew continued to snarl and tell Argost to back off. He never would so why bother? And yet we continue. To repeat. Over and over. The same things. Forever. She waved her sword around like she knew how to use it. Nobody believed that anymore. She didn't want to accidentally wack anyone in her family with it. That would be embarrassing.

Fiskerton looked over at Zak, who seemed to sense his present. What present? It was a nice gift, all wrapped up in fancy wrapping paper and topped with a big red bow. Fisk tried to give it to Zak, but he was still locked in his weirdness coma.

(In Zak's Headspace)

"You wanna play a board game?" the younger Zak asked his older version.

Zak shrugged. "Not like I've got anything better to do here."

The game poofed into existence. It was Monopoly.

"I get to be the dog," yelled little Zak. He shoved the thimble toward Zak. "You be the thimble! It's stupid. Like your face!" He broke into snorting laughter.

"Wow, I was super annoying as a little kid," Zak whispered to himself. "That's nothing like I was in canon. I was reserved and quite quick witted and cunning for my age. Hmm. I guess irritating brats are easier for these maladjusted, entitled, rage prone whiny adults to relate to so that's why they pull every character in existence down to that level."

"It's all they know," said bratty Zak.

(Drew's room)

"I'm going to use Zak so I can dominate the world and no one will stop me. Certainly not you, you poor excuse for a wife, mother, and fighter," Argost gloated. He was caught off guard when Zak began glowing in an orange light like he sometimes did in canon when he was around a mystic hot spot. "Oh dear. Now that is an unusual sight."

Drew shook her head. "Nah, he's done that before."

(Zak's mind games)

Zak sighed, resting his head in one hand. The game seemed to be going on for an excruciatingly long time. Like this story. Or what little of it resembled a story.

"Your bored," he said.

"Huh?" Zak snapped out of his daydreaming. "What about my board?"

"You're just mad 'cause I'm winning," the young Zak spat. He stood up and vanished into thin air.

Zak "stodd" up. It felt quite hot all of a sudden. Then he noticed he was turning bright orange. "Oh shit! What's going on? It didn't hurt at fisrt but now pain is getting stronger with every breathe! Spell check, what the fuck is that?"

He waved his hands in the air started screaming.

(Drew's room)

Drew ran behind Fiskerton. The glow was blinding. It didn't stop her from snarling again at Argost. "Snarl," she yelled. "Snarl, snarl!" She waved her sword around. "Sword, sword! Boo, Argost! You're a poop head. You should have left when I told you to the last seventeen times. Now you're stuck with us in this senseless shitfest!"

Argost hadn't considered that.

Fiskerton couldn't see Zak over the glow's brightness. It was the divine glow of Kur, Sumerian Elder God. He heard Drew yelling at Argost. "Whatever," he said. He didn't care what happened anymore. He just wanted to get out of here and preferably to a nice fruity drink on some sandy beach. Should have stayed in Nottinghamshire.

(In Zak's own personal weird world)

Zak's evil little clone popped up again. "Your a jerk, jerk!"

"And you can't spell to save your life," Zak said angrily.

"This is like your Kur power's version of blue balls by the way," said the brat. He laughed hysterically. He disappeared again.

Zak fell down, screaming. He grabbed his pants. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"

He Kurgasmed.

He collapsed, sweaty and exhausted.

(Back in the room)

Drew's eyes bugged again. Zak was already lying in bed. She gasped when he collapsed on the bed or whatever. She ran and grabbed him, forgetting her sword and Argost. She looked to see Argost frowning and became confused.

"Oh, he maybe thinks Zak is dead. Good. Now maybe he'll leave us alone."

Zak was barely breathing. He had a bloody lip somehow. Guess he bit it during the O-face. He was going to be out of the count for a while. I think you mean down for the count.

Meanwhile, Argost was still in the room.

(Back at Zak Zone)

Zak felt great after that Kurgasm. He felt like a fluffy marshmallow. He saw white stuff everywhere. Okay, seriously. Is one half of this a troll? I can't tell anymore. I know the one is dead serious which makes all the unintentional hilarity that much more comical in its absurdity. They think this incomprehensible fangirl back and forth age play yaoi torture shit is canon and better than everyone else's writing. How so, everyone else cries in unison. Still waiting for the day when they break down and offer an explanation that isn't "BECAUSE I SAY SO, YOU MEAN HYPOCRITICAL TROLLS WHO DON'T WATCH THE SHOW!" Whatever helps you sleep at night, constantly choking on your own guilty the face of truthful criticism.

The baby clone of Zak popped up again, giggling.

"Now you're stuck with me again, sucker!"

Zak's happy expression crumbled.

(The room again)

Drew was worried. She stared at Argost, redundantly going over how he asserted she was a bad mother. She so wasn't. How dare he! She wanted to beat the shit out of him. Instead she sighed and held her stupid annoying brat of a son. Whom she loved dearly, of course. He wasn't crushing all her hopes and dreams in life. Most of those involved ditching her husband and son and marrying Van Rook, by the way.

(Zak World)

Zak gave a bitter groan, grabbing handfuls of his hair as he stared at the evil baby clone of himself, smiling evilly at him, taunting him.

"Please, let me out of this hell," he begged.

"If I could I would," said the clone. "I'm not in control here, dummy!"

(In the room again)

Fiskerton kneeled beside Drew. Her "facde" was hardened with worry. Fiskerton had absolutely no idea what was going on. No one did. She was too busy..."galring" at Argost. Let's consider these entirely new words from now on. Drew kept looking with false concern at Zak.

Fisk got a psychic call from Zak inside his brain. Ring, ring.

"FISK HELP ME, PLEASE!" he screamed.

Fiskerton clutched his head, letting out a yelp. It was like somebody screamed through a bullhorn inside his brain.

We know Drew has white hair and Fiskerton is a gorilla-cat. Enough with the epithets.

She kept bugging out her eyes and repeating actions again and again. "Uh, Mommy's here, sweetie!"

Argost was just standing there, smiling at them. Doing nothing else. Not even freaking out that Munya hadn't been two inches behind him for the past few hours.

World record.

(Zak's brainspace again)

Zak heard Drew from wherever he was saying "mommy" which for whatever reason caused his baby version to scream. Which made him laugh. Because the baby version of him screamed like a girl. And then he felt self-conscious. It would be shit for a boy to do weak inferior girl things. Like scream and cry. How emasculating. Also it turns the authors on. So he's probably going to keep on doing them. A lot. Irony.

Suddenly his marshmallow vanished and he fell onto another one below.

"What the hell is going on," he wondered aloud.

No one can figure that out.

(Back in the room)

Fiskerton recoiled as Zak's arm waved wildly. It was weird, with out a dought. Copied line. Enjoy. Fiskerton ignored Argost and carried Zak again off to the med bay. Which they really should have taken him to in the first place. Oh, but we're now leaving it up to Drew to give him the medical attention? Lord, this is going to be good.

Drew stared at Fiskerton going out the door. She scowled at Argost again. "This is the last time I'm gonna say this! GET OUT OF HERE!"

Argost just kept on grinning.

Drew pulled out the sword. She developed wide eyes again because it was the only way she could do expressions. She repeated Argost's lines in exposition form. It was very dull and irritating for the snarking periphery audience. So the parody turned them into something else. "You're right, Argost. You're always right." She hung her head. "I am a shitty mother, wife, and whatever else you said." Again, she sheathed her sword. But then she kicked Argost. "Surprise, asshole!"

He got up anyway.

(In the med bay)

Fiskerton heard Drew ranting in the other room. He heard the sound of Argost getting slammed by one of her fearsome karate kicks. Fiskerton shook his head. He wished Argost wasn't such a tenaciously motivated character who would keep stalking them until he achieved his goals.

Zak was wiggling off the bed. Fiskerton caught him in time before he fell off and got his poor little body all bruised up. Drew would have been pissed about it.

(Back in Drew's room)

Argost stood up. "Touché. I shouldn't have lowered my guard. And yet I've been standing here doing nothing for the past...how long?" He stared at her. He vaguely wondered where that big guy who wore the purple and cooked his food for him went to.

What was his name again?

(In the med bay)

Fiskerton grumbled.

Argost was really strating to get to him. Zask always told him it was because he was a giant marshellow.

He had no clue what any of that meant.

Zak told it to him shortly after that time he fell from a cliff while rock climbing. He had a bit of a concussion. Fiskerton didn't take him too seriously at that time.

"Why can't you leave us alone, you bully? We don't want you here," Fiskerton said in his native tongue.

Wait, Argost followed them into the med bay? Is there any coherency to this at all?

Zak fell off the bed and onto the floor. Loudly. He started screaming.

Fiskerton cringed. "Oop, damn. That's on me."

Guess Drew's gonna be pissed. If she's even paying attention.

(In Wacky Zaky Land)

"What's going on, why can't I leave, why is this happening, ohhhhh," Zak chanted as he hugged himself and rocked back and forth. His eyes twitched. First the left. Then the right. His upper lip quivered. He was going insane. "I would rather be in a torture fic with Zak Monday than endure another hour of this."

Suddenly the small baby kawaii Zak became aged up to his own current age. A TV with game console poofed into existence. "How's about now, you whiny loser?"

Zak got up, looking determined. "Now you're on my level. Game on, you dick!"

(Back at wherever they're supposed to be)

Argost mimicked what he did shortly before his canon death in War of the Cryptids. "I can't heaaar you," he said to Zak.

So they seriously took out bits and pieces from every episode and mashed them together into this because that's how badly they can't come up with anything original. All while calling everyone else idiots who can't write and aren't creative and write things OOC and ship Mary Sues with canons. Can you say projection of their own bitter insecurities onto everyone around them with more skill that they're so jealous of? Yes, we can.

Drew shrieked and ran to Zak. We love that shrieking.

"Too bad your mommy didn't protect you before I murdered her!" Argost gloated again.

"I had a dad too, you know," Drew whined through her tears.

"Nobody cares about the men. We want to see the women suffer! The men only suffer when they're considered somehow effeminate and there's sexy crying based humiliation and underwear torture to be had," said Argost.

We don't talk about that.

Oh, and Argost is British now. For some reason.

Anglophiles, har har.

No, what he has is called a Mid-Atlantic accent. Indicative of upper class theatrical formality. Argost would have learned it from watching the classic horror themed TV programs he favored back in the day since that is how he learned to speak English. It's a learned accent. Not British, not American. In between. Invented. And specifically taught to ye olden Hollywood film and stage actors during those time periods. Corey Burton makes it particularly amazing.

Fiskerton kept obsessing on his sassiness and how Argost was rightly pissing him and Drew off. He snapped his fingers in a Z formation. "Mmm, gurl. You are playing the wrong game here." This entire paragraph hurts my head trying to make sense of it. SKIP!

(Back in Zak's Tortured Mindscape)

"OW, IT HURTS! IT HURTS!" The pain was intense. Not the pain he was experiencing because of the ongoing plot here, but the actual pain of existing in such a story was utter torture. "What's going on? Why won't it stop?"

Because crazed self-insert Suethors with BDSM related torture fetishes.

(Med bay or something)

Drew squinted her eyes. She grabbed Zak and smothered him with kissies on his face.

"Mommy's here, baby!" She was highly distressed. Well, shit. The author even admitted she forgot about Argost. Yeah, and where's Munya? Thought you dedicated "Argunya" people cared so deeply about him. He's not relevant when he's not putting the 16 inch dick to Argost, eh. "Oh, Zak. Where did this story take a turn for the worst? Everything was fine seventy five or so nonsensical paragraphs ago! I think. Then you got disabled for the sake of the wangsty sobby plot." She bit her lip again. She sure does that a lot.

Fiskerton flinched as she turned her bizarre wrath toward him.

"FISK, PROTECT MY BABY BOY!"

Fiskerton shrugged nervously. "What more do you want me to do, crazy lady?"

Drew stared at her offspring suffering like she wasn't secretly turned on by it. "Not me! That's the original author! I'm being forced to do all this! I have no control over it. If I did, I would fight."

"Please wake up already, Zak," Fiskerton begged. "Things are getting really insane without you."

(Zak in Crazy Town)

"I wish I could," Zak said from the void. "But the narration won't let me. And they're pretty insane on my end. You can't see it, thankfully."

(Back at the whatever)

Fiskerton stared at Argost. He then glared at Argost. Disappointingly, the expression "shooting daggers" didn't work in real life.

"Nice try," Argost said. "But you won't stop me from regurgitating the same things over and over and over and over and over." He grinned again. "Hmm, how's that perfect spelling you've got going on here. I don't see it, what with all the red lines. Anyway. I'm going to murder the rest of your family."

Drew exposed her teeth again as she snarled.

Please, save us all from this vicious weeaboo Suethor fangirl torment.

(Zak's waking nightmare)

Zak could hear his mother snarl. She kept doing it so hard and so many times, there was no way to mistake it. He abruptly woke up and jumped up on the bed, snarling himself. "Great, now I can't stop doing it! GET A LIFE, DUDE!" Actual line. Everyone stared at him in horror and confusion and maximum cringe. "Did I say something ridiculus?" Line and typo. YES, YOU DID! He fell down in pain. "Someone get me an aspirin and a spell check."

Fiskerton was shocked yet relieved to see Zak come back to life after being physically removed from the story for so long. But now he realized his own role would be once again greatly diminished.

Drew's eyes bugged out for the millionth time. She grabbed Zak and held him again, kissing him on his face. Urgh. Reoccurring theme. Added to the list. "OOH, MY PWECIOUS WIDDLE BABBY!" She looked at Argost looking at them. She clutched Zak to her chest and more references to wolves were made. You have absolutely no fucking idea how wolves work IRL, do you? Of course not. It's not like in your precious diabolical Omegaverse.

Argost's eyes bugged out. "I have to keep repeating that Zak is the key to my chances for world domination. I really would like to achieve that goal. I am used to getting what I want and screaming when I don't, so it's your funeral."

Drew pulled out her sword again.

Argost shook his head. "Young lady, if you keep doing that, you're going to break it."

"Mom, stop kissing me! It's gross." Zak struggled. "I'm actually not a toddler, though the authors who wrote this insanity fest really love that idea because they act like toddlers themselves in real life." Argost was staring at him. "Seriously, do you do anything else? And why am I saying dude so much all of a sudden? I NEED MY SPACE, MAN! THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, ARGOST!"

Fiskerton sighed. At least he stopped regressing to a toddler for the sake of creepy baby obsessed fetishes from certain adult female authors who act like them in real life. But he had now inexplicably turned into a surfer dudebro.

Drew blushed. I got a bingo. "But you're my precious little baby boy and I have ovaries. Sorry. It's just something that happens, kiddo." She looked over at Argost and scowled.

Confetti exploded all lover the place and a banner fell down that read ONE HUNDREDTH TIME REPEATED WORD! CONGRATURATION!

"Oh, but the world will indeed revolve around me, just as it is perceived to revolve around the person who writes me in such a miserable way," Argost affirmed. "The giant adult baby Sue!" He raised his arms with a flourish. "Can't you see how they live vicariously through me?"

"Not without all the crying and underwear kissing," said Drew.

Argost rested his hands on his hips. "Oh, pardon moi. And I was having a hard time recognizing you without you screaming about your dear Van Rook every twelve seconds, and craving his ghostly sperm!"

Zak passed out again, starting to snore loudly. Well.

"STOP GRINNING, ASSHOLE," Drew said through her teeth while Argost grinned on. She looked and saw Zak snoozing. "Aw, cute." Priorities. She turned back to Argost. "I can't let you do any more evil things you big jerk and so on and so forth. I must get you away from my family. Except Doc. I don't give a fuck about him. Or that lizard. Or the leathery bird. I miss Van Rook. You know we briefly dated in college? IT'S CANON! I WANT TO MARRY HIM! I like Chinese food."

Zak screamed internally at the barrage of misspellings in that one terrible paragraph. He flailed in his sleep, kicking his mom's supple MILF butt. It was funny. And he couldn't get in trouble for it because he was asleep.

Drew yelped. "Hey, save the kicks for Argost's butt!" She saw Argost grinning again. "YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF SO BADLY WITH YOUR INCESSANT REPETITION!"

Wait, now they're finally acknowledging Munya? Am I missing some lines here? I don't think so. This is just that disjointed and random.

"You probably brainwashed Munya so he would obey you," Drew said. "There's no way anyone with a functioning brain would let you boss them around. Especially not a savage mutant muscle head freak like that."

(Back in Zak's Head)

Zak flumped about in the bed while his mind floated on in the void. "Mom wants me to kick Argost's butt? Is she KEDDING? I beat his face in a while back. I'm done for the day." He floated into the air and relaxed.

(Back at the whatever again)

Fiskerton grumpily looked at Zak while he was out cold. So he went in and out of consciousness whenever he felt like it and was allowed to escape. How unfair. Argost was getting too close to everyone's favorite shipping fodder, so he kicked him in the gut. What is with all the kicking. It's like the only other thing anyone knows how to do. Despite canon proving the complete opposite. Argost fell on his furry buttocks. Ha, funny.

Argost groaned, falling down and then getting back up and we're not writing step by step every single action that occured. He grabbed his stomach. He looked mad. This was an entire clumsy repetitive paragraph instead of a few quick sentences as I have done here. Perhaps if you want to be taken seriously as a writer, GIT GUD before screaming that no one appreciates your talent. Because they can all see how much you lack it.

Fisk continued to blunder out introspective instead of actually doing things. He stuck out his tongue at Argost.

Argost rolled his eyes. That's a thing he does a lot. In canon. No, that's a thing the author's OCs do a lot. In every fic they get stuffed into, disguised beneath a more popular canon character's name. Stop writing every character in existence as if they're a 13 year girl entering her rebellious teenager stage.

Drew knew she couldn't let her guard down when she already did by focusing on the wrong things in that very sentence. She kept repeating everything that had been previously stated instead of coming up with entertaining original writing. She pursed her lips. IT'S CALLED PURSING THE LIPS. YOU DO IT IN REAL LIFE ALL THE TIME. You seem to have a thing for it. She kept going on and on and on about protecting her family when this entire story has been proof of her failing miserably at it at every turn.

"I can't help it. I'm a strong female character who will ultimately be reduced back to sexist trope porn addled brainless bimbo and abused fuck object with these people," Drew cried out. "Like in that other story I wish didn't exist. If you can call it a story."

Not really. More like a freakish stream of consciousness between two insane weeaboo BDSM obsessed adult virgin shut-in hentai fanatics using names of characters from The Secret Saturdays. It's really fucking bad and yes I'm going to parody it. Hold your fucking horses. This one was tough enough and it didn't have nearly as much of that typical repetitive batshittery in it.

Fiskerton growled. He was unable to think of anything else, so yeah. I can't tell if that was the author giving up and writing it out in accidental place of the character's dialogue or just the character's own dialogue that sounds suspiciously like what's going on between these authors. Looks like everyone here's getting bored of this monotonous tripe.

Oh, thank God. We're almost at the end anyway.

Argost was hurt in his owie spot. He snarled weakly, exposing his cute little fangies. So much emphasis on teeth and things. Is that also some kind of fetish? Tell me if you find out so I can acquire more comedic terms in my research. "You won't stop me from my desires! For the hundredth time. Don't make me repeat it again," he said. "Because I will."

He wanted to tear everyone apart, but he couldn't.

And since this is the last continued part of this WTFfest, we'll never know what else happened.

We can safely assume it would eventually turn into more stripping to underwear and sobbing while being tortured violently in a dungeon. Until death. And then they'd become a ghost. Or Van Rook would eventually show up and stalk Drew until she loved him again since Doc was nowhere to be found. And then they'd fuck a lot and have pure white babies. Something like that. And maybe there'd be vampires. Ghost-vampires. And wolves. Ghost-wolf-vampire-dragons.

And nothing would make any fucking sense or bear any remote semblance to the canon whatsoever, outside names. Like everything else.

The end?

* * *

Epilogue...

Munya woke up some odd hours later, snorting. He looked around groggily, wondering where he was. It looked like the living room of the Saturdays compound. How odd. His eye snapped open fully when he realized it wasn't a dream. He really was standing in the living room of the Saturday's compound. How he got there was anyone's guess.

The door opened and Doc walked in. He looked as confused as Munya did.

"It happened again, didn't it," Doc muttered.

Munya shrugged, grunting noncommittally.

"Well," said Doc, noting everyone else was absent in the world today. "I've got some authentic Thai here. With Tak Ga Tan and sweet chili Maeng Da. Care to join me?"

Munya grunted and shrugged before nodding a yes.

They both walked to the kitchen.


End file.
